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BEATLE UNFAIR
"I still love the Beatles and I still love George Harrison
as a songwriter in the Beatles, but as a person I think
he's a f***ing nipple. And if I ever meet him I'll f**king
tell him. And if you're watching, NIP-PLE!"
-Liam Gallagher
On July 21, 2002, the Fookin' Wankers appeared at San
Diego's 8th Annual Beatlefair. They were asked to stop five
songs into their ten song set. The following is Liam Gallwanker's
official account of the event. It in no way reflects the
opinions of the members and management of Cover Me Badd,
who very much appreciate the opportunity for us to be a
part of this year's Beatlefair. We hope to be invited back.
Well, maybe Liam doesn't. Read on.....
Wot? No, I'm fookin' sleeping! Wot? AWRIGHT, I'M UP!! Look,
first off, I didn't want to do this gig in the first place,
right? Noel tricked me by telling me we were playing a Star
Trek convention but I had me suspicions. I think it was
bloody nice of the Beatlefair staff to let us play in the
first place, especially that Malcolm bloke. It shows they
have a sense of humor, just like those fab kids from Liverpool.
George Harrison was in the Rutles, ya know wot I mean?
So, we get there and it's a bit of a mess. Lotsa housewives
running around in "official" tye-dye staff t-shirts suddenly
blessed with a bit of authority. A bit dodgy, the whole
thing but they all seemed nice enough and showed us to the
cleverly titled "Mr Moonlight Lounge" (groans), the room
we were sharing with three other bands. They told us the
groups could work out our own schedule, which seemed fine.
We're all adults, right? We just knew we didn't to play
opposite any of the rock and roll stars performing in the
"main hall". I'd play while someone whose mum's 3rd cousin's
uncle's milkman once walked McCartney's dog was being interviewed
but there's just no sense in trying to compete against geezers
in headbands or Beatle suits holding Hofner basses, so why
try?
The first band to play our room were the fookin' brilliant
Baja Bugs. Leave it to a bunch of young hispanic kids NOT
wearing suits to get it right. They did all the early Beatles
stuff but with ENERGY, right? Fookin' great. We were on
next but hadn't heard who the other band was. Suddenly a
bunch of old blokes in suits come dragging their gear in,
claiming to be the cleverly titled Bootles. They'd just
played a forgettable set in the (again) clevely titled "Honey
Pie Hut" or "Haven" or somethingrather but would be playing
in our room as well. I believe the girl playing bass guitar
had what you Americans call a "mullet". Right. So, we agreed
to start at 10pm Manchester time (2 o'clock Pacific time
for all you yanks) because they had some bloke on the big
stage who'd recorded something for Apple Records was doing
an enthralling question and answer session at the same time.
We thought that'd be easy competition.
About 1:00, the drummer of the Bootles comes busting into
the room all furiouslike cos somone had written on our schedule
that another band was playing in HIS room. Once I referred
to him as "Mr Attitude", he realized he was acting childish
and calmed down a bit. I assured him they wouldn't play
in our little roomsie-woomsie.
Then, the folks on the mainstage ran late, and local coversong
heroes Rockola had only just begun when we were supposed
to start. So we asked one of them Bootles if we could wait
a bit longer before we played. He (gray beard, longer white
hair, didn't catch the chap's name) said that it was fine,
right? I changed the Bootles starting time from 3:15 to
3:45 on the bigger of the two schedules I'd made and we
went off to watch a bit of Rockola. An Beatlefair official
had given me a Sharpie to make executive decisions with
and I did just that. Apparently, the Bootles began to get
angry about us waiting for Rockola to finish. It seems that
their vast legions of fans who didn't know when they were
playing until the day of the show were clammoring for, er,
punctuality or something. So we were fetched and asked to
begin immediately, which we most certainly did.
At 3:00, just five songs into our ten song set, we were
asked to stop by the official granny of the Beatlefair staff.
I calmly explained to the old girl how one of the Bootles
had told me we could wait longer (of course, he'd sodded
off and was nowhere to be found). Since one schedule still
showed 3:15, we would have to end. So this wench starts
SCREAMIN' at me to get off and I'd never come close to losing
my temper. It was fookin' comedy, it was. Nevermind that
the Bootles had already played a set earlier in the Honey
Pie Hut (sic?). Instead of simply saying something to us
when we started, they ran and got security to punt us off.
How not in keeping with the groovy vibe of the everpresent
tye-dyes.
It was all quite childish and immature. I was all too happy
to get sarcastic with them on the mic with a festival crowd
watching. I agreed to play one more song and as Bea Arthur
walked away I said "We're going to play two more songs"
which made her turn around and scream "ONE MORE SONG!" To
which I calmly replied, "That's what I said, love. Come
on, if you're going to quote me, be fair! We are playing
ONE more song." and casually held up two fingers. John &
George were up there laughing their heads off and she went
off for "back up".
Our one song? Why, a medley of "Columbia" (from our brilliant
debut) and Ozzy's "Crazy Train", of course. It's a Beatles
convention, innit?! I always felt a certain kinship for
the old bloke since Americans don't seem to be able to make
out his accent either. Noel was top on the solo and I stuck
a plastic bat in me mouth and then chucked it all the way
against the back wall, over the heads of Americans dressed
in Sgt Pepper outfits. At the end, the Beatlefair "heavy"
(again, some old geezer) came right up front to us and gave
us the American hand signal for "cut it short". Being British,
we couldn't understand what he was gettin' at. I just yelled
"Oooh, it's just like the end of 'Let It Be'!" and kept
rocking. As the song ended, he turned around. Bonehead immediately
started playing the opening bit of "Helter Skelter" and
I started singing/screaming the beginning. Two staff members
came at us and Mr. Thuggy-Wuggy grabbed the microphone away
from me as I kept yelling "Then I see you again! Yeah yeah
yeah!"
Somehow I don't think we'll be invited back.
It's all on video so we can watch it on the telly. Lovely.
Can I go back to bed now?
Ban the Bootles,
Liam Gallawanker
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